I want my mommy & daddy.

Well, that fucks that.

Jeez, but my life is embarassing.

I'll forgive and forget
If you say you'll never go
Cause it's true what they say
Better the devil you know.

Current Music: Kylie Minogue

I am so sick of the ups and downs and not knowing where they come from, or being able to name them, or how to stop them.

I thought today was a good day and now I feel totally depressed.  I don't know why.  Should have probably stayed off the computer...my sense of betrayal is so far beyond what is normal that people have to watch every word they say, every action they do or it'll upset me.  Maybe getting up early for the rest of the week will help.  Or maybe it's just hormones.

Need to go to bed.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: snoring cat

Jealous, but not really.

Pissed, but not quite.

Guilty, but reasoning it out.

Sad, but happy.

We need words for all these messed up fucked up things I am feeling tonight so I can maybe make them start to go away.  I think the overriding one is doubt = doubt in myself, doubt it will get better, doubt I ever did anything right, doubt I ever can do anything right.

I want to call Kevin.  Or worse, call Clark.  I just want someone to love me unconditionally again for at least 10 minutes.  That is so gone.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Valley Girl the movie

I don't know if I'm more depressed than I thought over Michael Jackson's death or if it's the Taco Bell. Either way, I feel like crawling into bed and not going anywhere for the next 2 weeks.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Got My Mind Set On You

He got really fat.  And balding.  And he is so so so NOT living up to what he could be doing in certain areas.  Not to mention all the friend crap going on that is jr high ish.  Just - disillusionment.

It's over.

Am I relieved?  Yeah.

Am I sorry for some of the things that came out of it?  FUCK NO.  They had to happen sooner or later.  They really had little to do with him.

Would I fall in love with him again?  Yes. 

"The sound of a siren somewhere in the distance shakes me out of my moods and restores me back to the world, and all its strange yet comic ways."

~CK

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Mission Impossible

The title of the post has nothing to do with the subject matter, I was just exceptionally amused by the Emily Valentine feature in Nylon.

I am sick of being "off."  I am sick of pain, physical and mental.  I am sick of falling for the wrong man.  I am sick of being alone.  I've always been more of a loner than most people, but I can't do it anymore.

Yesterday when the nurse was taking the stent out of my cyst, I was just sobbing from the pain and from the whole situation.  She asked if I had anyone at home to help me and of course I said no, and just sobbed harder.  I don't have anyone who I KNOW thinks about me at least once a day.  That is a fact.  My parents are gone.  My friends are wonderful but it's not the same.

I want a husband.  It makes me shake my head to say that but it's the truth.  I want to be taken care of. 

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: hollywood swingin

John Barleycorn Must Die.  On vinyl.

I have to get more of the 1960s stuff I love since it is slowly but surely falling off the radio.

I hope last night (rather, this morning) will end up panning out OK.  At least without awkwardness.  Somehow I have a feeling all will be well.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Every Mother's Son - Traffic

This makes me sad.

 http://www.pittsburghpostgazette.com/pg/08219/902089-85.stm

Spent quite a few nights at TW's with the Posse....well I guess technically most of those nights were pay for entry to TW's, get one drink, walk out, and then hop onto K's boat and drink strong as hell stuff all night for free.  BEST.  I was such a good little girl, I amazed myself.  I miss those boys, I hope they're all well and happy and still partying on together.

The rest of the place was a sometime thing, but we must bring up the things that can happen in Donzi's at 1 AM....specifically a very memorable night where Mr. BFA introduced himself by eating a rose.  I think he might have been the one I dreamed about last night whose name I couldn't remember, actually.  Ha ha ha.

It seems like yesterday and a zillion years ago all at once.

Current Mood: nostalgic